Name: Stephani
Site: Kirito.net
Birth date: July 3
Gender: Female
Ethnicity: "Heinz 57"
Astral: Cancer
Chinese: Ox
Hair: Multi
Eyes: Brown
Siblings: uno, the evil brother
Location: USA
Worth:
$1,647,620.00
General take on life: Let me sleep!
Bloggie lives thanks to Pitas
Likes: anime
& manga, yaoi, drawing, writing stories when the mood strikes, sitting
in front of a computer for no reason and other pointless activities
Dislikes: stupid people, people that get in
my way, people that stand around in the hallways, people that chill at Wal-mart at night, and that weird crab, tomato and cabbage dish that
okaasan makes
Anime faves: Anything from Tanemura Arina-sensei...manga wise that
is. ^_~ Steel Angel Kurumi, Penguin Brothers, Gals!, St. Dragon Girl,
Osakana ha Ami no Naka, Kodomo no Omocha, Mint na Bokura, Card Captor
Sakura, Utena, Yami no Mastuei...shall I go on? ^^;;
Music: To Destination, Ayumi Hamasaki, Dicot, Siam Shade, 2pac,
Backstreet Boys, and video game bg music!!!
Desktop:
Tidus from FFX! *DROOLS*
Winamp: Lulu - FFX
Mood:
Fear: Zombies
Game: Koudelka
Book: Jurassic Park
Site: A yaoi one in mind
Fishies:
Swimming happily
Cheese: 8
languages
Crush: Any
hot man that wears a trench coat, adding to the overall yum factor! Mmm...Spike
and Mulder and that guy
from SU2... :drools:
I wanna see: Galaxy Angels, Fruits Basket, Seraphim Call
Emode
--
Aura: Gold
Type: Intellect
Flavor: Peppermint
Lucky #: 4
Color: Brown
Theme song: Walking on Sunshine
Main: Kirito.net
SAK: Angel Heart
BSSM: Usagikoneko
[ p e ]: Aya no Heya
pics: Steph's Useless Scans
MP3: Ethereal Symphony
manga: Ribon Reference
yaoi: Scai
writings: 99.5% Original
fics: TLWIR
art: S.O.D.A.
subs: Stephani's Fansub Hut
Email:
Click!
WinMX: usagikoneko
AOL: Shinta0x
Audiogalaxy: usagikoneko
ICQ: 124717844
Steph walked on the ceiling on Saturday, December 15, 2001 when the clock struck 01:35 a.m.
The trials and woes of trying to get into Xanga. I see we have another server merge. I wonder when the next one shall occur... Yey~ one week of school left and it's exam week! Surprisingly enough, all of my exams this semester shall be rather easy, with the exceptions of trig and physics, though I will probably pass both with a C or higher. Next semester is when I get to take that HUGE AP English test. The one test I fear... It rained this morning. Then it stopped this afternoon. Too bad. I love the rainy weather. Speaking of weather, anyone FL residents notice the unseasonably hot winter? Egads, I hope it cools soon. ~_~ Tomorrow's schedule, permitting I catch a ride: Don't you love it when you awaken to the sound of a rude bitch screaming and slamming doors in the wee hours of the morning? I don't even give a damn about what the hell she was pissed off about. There are other people in this forsaken house to so be a little considerate! Hey Cathy, you're a fucking bitch and I hate you! How's that for a little holiday cheer. Come on, try to pick a fight with me! I'll snap your neck anytime of the day... Bah~~essay and study guides. Everyone is pissing me off. So much I got into a 'mood' at school today. I get into 'moods' all the time at home but at school I hide it by acting like and idiot. Damn, what the hell is wrong with me? It's not the holidays. They never bug me. I see them as a chance to escape the clutches of the system for awhile. It's not exams since I never really worry about tests of the sort. What could it be? Animosity that has built up throughout the years? Being let down so much? Letting myself down? I'm not the type of person to depend on others. In fact, I hate it. I don't want help. I don't want kindness. Nothing. I deserve nothing. That's the way it has always been and that is the way it will always be. No questions asked. Anger balled up and hid. Tears shed in the privacy of one's room. Show your weakness to no one and I shall live to see another day. Reading through some of this makes me sad. I know my mindset's wrong at times, moreoften than not, but I have qualms about changing. People such as myself don't deserve a change for the better. All I deserve is the worst. Ears: *silence*
Mail off zen-in letter & old tape
Buy more friggin' conditioner!!!
Return all books
Buy new sketch book?
Avoid the evil bitch at all costs
Steph walked on the ceiling on Tuesday, December 11, 2001 when the clock struck 08:00 p.m.
Sickness runs amuck! O-o XD Good thing my meglo anti-bodies are fending off disease. *flex* My brother and I did our normal religion & govt. spiel today. Oh yeah, education budget cuts too since that's occuring locally in my area. ~_~ It started with religion of course. My friend droned on and on about how she was against the whole evolution concept and how disgusted she was that biology teachers dare teach it in school. Don't get me wrong, if you're pro-creation, I'll support you 100% but when you force your beliefs onto me, be sure, oh quite sure, there will be hell to pay. Needless to say, I shut her up really quick. She never seems to win religious debates with me. Most of the time she turns away for about five minutes and return with a new subject. O-o Are my words that powerful? The funny thing is, she is a religious nut and I always win the arguments. O-o And I have nothing against her or her beliefs. But I bet she holds a secret grudge against me. ~_~;;;; *seaches for voodoo doll* My friends always expect me to entertain them. It's quite humorous actually. When they run out of things to say or wish to change the subject, inquiring eyes always shift to my direction. My last answer was: "What? Why are you all looking at me?! I'm not here to entertain you! What the hell should I do, tap dance?!" *dances* And they haven't quite bugged me the same. ^^;; Ohhh!! Kevin's getting switched into regular! Now who am I going to mock the teacher with?! ;-; No Kevin!!! Dun leave da History posse!!! ;-; ;-; ;-; Exams next Tuesday then vacation! YESSSHHHH!!!! Lol, Sarah, our Old Navy buddy, perched top her soapbox today. Her first rant, in second hour, was about the lack of Hanukah (SP?!) music and decorations throughout the world. I must agree with her. December is a very Christmas oriented month. Tiff & I were wondering what kind of music would one play other than the Adam Sandler song or the dredil song. O-o Her second rant was about these people she saw shopplifting @ Old Navy. The thing is though, she didn't see them take anything. All she saw was them zipping up a bag and empty hangers. And associates aren't allowed to directly confront shoplifters unless they see it. (Actually, I don't think they can at all! O-o So they do that 'indirect nagging' thing. I think I'll apply for a job @ Wal-Mart. That would so kick ass. Mua! Discout upon discount. Since I know no one else shall hire me. ~_~ Who'd want an inept teenager that enjoys drawing and dinking on the computer? I wouldn't. Unless I was making chum. O-o Oh goodess. Jason & Chris are planning a large smokeout. ~_~;;; No more aerobics!!! XD *happy dance* Ears: SH2 - Room 312
Steph walked on the ceiling on Monday, December 10, 2001 when the clock struck 10:10 p.m.
For some ungodly reason, my friend predicts that I shall be wed within the next five years. *snarfs* Fat chance honey!
You see, I really have no intentions of seeking out a 'significant other.' I don't really need one. I like watching hot men. I love drooling over hot men. I just plain love hot men. Doesn't mean I want one for myself. A little nighter or so *coughs* wouldn't be bad but I wouldn't want to keep one..forever. O-o
Lately, love has lost its apparent meaning. Actually, I don't think it ever existed. What is love? A bond that two people share? An intimate session with a person? A relationship that takes things up and beyond all tangible desires. Hell if I know. I gave up the thought of love long ago.
Yeah yeah. Like many, I was swept up into that 'prince charming' sham. Puh-lease. One step out of elementary school will prove you wrong.
I actually lost the urge to grow attached to anything after Kitty Kitty died. I figured, if I never get that close any one(thing) again, I won't be hurt. Duh. Lots of people think that. Is it true? Probably not since I find myself rather empty and alone but hey. Others can manage just fine and so can I. I don't need anyone but myself.
I hate depending on others. It strikes a nerve with me. I feel so inept and weak that I bash myself for days, no weeks, after someone aids me when I know that I could figure it out myself. Teachers included.
Maybe that's my problem. Not opening up to the aid of others. Then again, the others can just go to some distant land for all I care. Depending on yourself, just you, is the way to go.
Love is for the weak. Those in love say otherwise, but a cloud of deception blinds you from the truth. Take a step out into the open and see for yourself sometime. Steph walked on the ceiling on Saturday, December 8, 2001 when the clock struck 09:34 p.m.
Ahahahahaha! I beat Koudelka today~~ I liked both endings, though the extended one was much better, naturally. Now I want a good sequel with a good battle system! XD So now I am hooked into playing FF9. Did I mention that my room is excruciatingly hot? Did I mention that I have no homework? Exams in two weeks? Winter vacation soon after? That a stray cat waltzed up to my door Sunday? That Vivi is cool? Ears: Nai~~ Steph walked on the ceiling on Saturday, December 8, 2001 when the clock struck 01:45 a.m.
Oh man. I cannot wait for FFX to come out! I play through the very short demos today and I love it! Again, it is the more notorious eye candy that Square is notable for but ahhh!!! For some reason, I am digging the battle system. It's set up the same way most of the RPGs are, with the taking turns system and choosing attacks, etc. You get special moves once a character's bar is filled and all that jazz. There's also a defend button in this one so dodging is whee! I guess the neatest thing is that when Yuuna summons an aureon (sp? I forget) you can control it, choosing its attacks, etc. ^-^ Fun fun fun. And of course, the CG is pretty. The guy with the sword (Auron?) is pretty badass too. The whole using the sword one-handed while his other hand simply hangs snuggly in his jacket is too neat. Blarg!!! I wanna play the entire thing! I think this is the first time in awhile that I've been looking forward to the next installment of the FF series. O-o January....*dies* Oo! The poem I composed for History: And the Cart Rolled And the cart rolled. A weeping mother, To the final destination now, The bodies were solemnly covered with dirt, O-o;;; I hope I get a decent grade on it. Apparently, Xanga has given away Premium for a few days, much to my surprise. I click the link and poof! A foreign box pops up! (Not that I even type in the box; I belive in cut & paste!) Oh well. Today was uneventful, more discussions about what's really wrong with our trig teacher. Our current conclusion is that there's something in the Diet Cokes she drinks. Chris claims that she puts rum in it while I say it has something to do with the Nutrasweet or whatever they substitute in there. O-o For some odd reason, we wound up talking about some spot behind a chick's leg that makes them go whee! Is it behind the knee or the thigh? I think it's the thigh. Second hour blah~~~ (we did get to play a game for candy and even watched a movie yesterday...12-6-01! A day for the ages!) Aerobics, sat in the gym. Physics, the mighty momentum lesson. (I finished that worksheet yesterday in under 15 minutes...the second one done... O_o) Band - ate some Doritos and read. Speaking of, our concert was on Thruday and I must say -- Symphonic band was great! XD I couldn't believe my ears as I heard various dynamics! (Sorry, not used to that!) But one of my keys got stuck in the last song so there's a little wrong note stuck in there! ^^;; Concert band was well...concert band. They predicted their doom before hand. Color guard's show was...odd. Interpretive dance. ^^; And of course, jazz band was great. They played the Chips Ahoy! song!!! XD Back to the day ~ Spanish, blah. History - blah. Blah blah blah! Whee! Finished Practical Magic today! Koudelka's next on the agenda! ^-^ Rain off and on...I love this weather, though it needs to be a constant downpour for awhile to actually be nice...~_~;;;; Heheh, FFX adornes my desktop & winamp. ^^;;;; Steph walked on the ceiling on Tuesday, December 4, 2001 when the clock struck 08:18 p.m.
Whoa. Now this is what I call hen. Yesterday morning, the cat dissappears. No sign of it coming back last night. This morning. This afternoon. Then suddenly....poof! It returns, demanding food and attention. Steph walked on the ceiling on Tuesday, December 4, 2001 when the clock struck 04:29 p.m.
Well, as soon as the mysterious cat manifests itself, it takes its leave the very next morning. Hen hen hen. Steph walked on the ceiling on Sunday, December 2, 2001 when the clock struck 10:54 p.m.
Whoo~~been awhile. A double post for both blogs this time! Steph walked on the ceiling on Thursday, November 29, 2001 when the clock struck 08:46 p.m.
Yey! The day has gotten better! Steph walked on the ceiling on Thursday, November 29, 2001 when the clock struck 04:18 p.m.
Again, my dad forgets to pick me up. Steph walked on the ceiling on Wednesday, November 28, 2001 when the clock struck 04:03 p.m.
The worst feeling in the world for me to feel is not being alone. Not being embarrased. Steph walked on the ceiling on Tuesday, November 27, 2001 when the clock struck 10:02 p.m.
Today was better than yesterday. Steph walked on the ceiling on Tuesday, November 27, 2001 when the clock struck 01:52 a.m.
I can't sleep Steph walked on the ceiling on Monday, November 26, 2001 when the clock struck 10:58 p.m.
BWAHHAHAHAHAAA!!!
I finally figured out why I couldn't see any of my posts. It was the tag!!!! The one flippin' tag that I forgot to include but now that it's there... Steph walked on the ceiling on Monday, November 26, 2001 when the clock struck 10:25 p.m.
Bah, this layout isn't working very well at the moment. I take leave yet again to tinker. ^-^
Trundling merrily down the road,
Flailing forearms and flailing feet,
Bounced as the cart rolled.
Heaps of cadavers adorned the road.
The weary monk collects his prize,
Collecting bodies as they collect flies,
To add to the masses in his cart.
And the cart rolled.
A still baby,
Approached the steady cart.
Death has taken its toll.
Another body to add to the pile;
The monk began to tire.
And the cart rolled.
No time to waste.
Individual graves cannot be made,
So a mass one shall do.
Sick and fallow bodies,
Unloaded from the carts,
Carefully dropped onto the welcoming dirt.
Hiding the pale skin from the living world.
Never again shall they see the sun;
Never again shall they converse with loved ones.
The monk's work is finished now.
Tomorrow begins anew with more bodies to collect.
He grabbed his cart,
And wearily approached his home.
A sick and decrepit rat scurried by,
And the cart rolled.
Ears: Vagrant Story - 205 Nightmare
Bu~ut the kitty has ticks. I mean BIG ticks. One is almost the size of a cherry tomato. So my brother is going to attempt to remove them but we really don't know how so we shall look it up online. Neko ha kawai sou!!!!
Double research for me! Trinidad & Tobago (sp?) for my friend and the Bubonic Plague timespan for me! Good poem topic ne? ^-^
Blarg, I had to down two Tylenols a few moments ago. I seemingly forgot my glasses this morning and was subjected to squinting like a madman at dry erase boards. Needless to say, my head is killing me. X|
I really need to work on all of my websites. They are all so...bleak! O-O I have a picture I want to use for the main page layout, but I haven't gotten around to editing it! Actually, I don't think I really want to. ~_~;;; It's this really cute Seraphim Call image with little snow flakes everywhere so I thought I could use it for winter...
Speaking of, FINALLY got to see Full Moon o Sagashite by Tanemura Arina!! Wai wai!!! Cute bishie shinigami-san!!! Ahhh!!! Neko to usagi boushis!! Ahhhh!!!!
Anyhoo, from what little I could tell (I actually read a good piece of it! O-o) it's about a girl (name I forget) who's crush goes to America and I think the girl is terminally ill because the two people that pop out of the walls are like shinigamis and they said something about her only living for one year?! Anyhoo, the girl wishes to go to an audition that she could not attend and poof! She's instantly 16 and sings a song that all the judges hate but turn out to love! Then some other girl says something at the end I couldn't quite translate but it made the main character worry! ^-^
I'm getting the zen-in poster for it too~~~
Actually, I've started studying Japanese again! XD I read through one lesson in all three books last night and they all make much more sense now! So lucid! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Agg...I loathe my English teacher. He gave us yet another wonderful essay to compose for Thursday and I have so much other work to do! (Namely History) Geez...I need to research and create a poem about the plague by Friday morning. I can do I can do but I don't what any of his stupid work to accompany it! >_<
I think that Mr. Ball is racist or biast or something to that effect. Amy missed both Friday and Monday and when she asked about the make-up work, he friggin' snapped at her! Better yet, she asked him for some help on the hook sentences and he outright ignored her! Or should I say, selective hearing. ~_~ He was talking to Sarah, going in-depth with her question for no reason and just blocked out Amy totally! What an ass! I knew he was evil but damn!!! Stupid fucker!!!!!!
Heheh, haven't been posting in the Xanga bloggie. Oh well, no one misses me and it's a lot funner here. Lol
Our glorious concert is this Thursday and we are going to meet early to practice with percussion. Can you believe that either band has run through any songs with percussion! It's going to be a disaster! Percussion likes to speed up like madmen...though they have their own class together so maybe they have gotten much better...
Homework? Nah. Japanese? Maybe. Web design drafting? Possibly. Adios muchachos!
After I accidentally learned to think for myself, the concept of reincarnation has always appealed to me. I, for one, find it to be very plausible. There are several bits of reasoning behind my thoughts on this matter. The age old feeling of nostalgia one feels when visiting various cities or seeing familiar images.
But now, I am absolutely convinced that reincarnation is real.
You see, several years ago, my beloved cat, Kitty Kitty, passed away around this time of the year, November 29 if I'm not mistaken. Sad and in a constant state of mourning, I slowly begin to accept her death.
Two years later, around this same time frame, another cat, called Nick by others, shows up at my front door. Thin and hungry and looking for a home. Being the type of people we are, we simply could not refuse the poor chap and take him into our home. Sadly, a fool thought it would be quite amusing to run the poor thing over, thus creating an untimely end for the fellow.
Two years later, winter of 2001, a new cat emerges. In fact, emerges today. Again, hungry and thin, looking for a home.
The past two cats have been increasingly friendlier and both were not only thin an decrepid, but also declawed. I myself, am against declawug cats but that's just me. It's the equivalent of ripping out your nails so you can never scratch quite the same.
Blarg, my cat is on her third reincarnation and is back to haunt me. ^^;;;;
Well, today was our parade, lived through the whole four hour time I was there and headed home. =D
Ahaha!! Someone (Randy...*coughs*) broke the glass window on the band room door! O-o Supposably it was during third or fourth hour during a good ol' game of 'ass ball' when a tiny section of the rectangle was shattered. Needless to say, he spent 5th hour collecting money to repair the glass. Last I heard he had around . shy of what he needed. He didn't get any money from me. Why should I pay for his screw up?
Caroline went to the Bake Sale Saturday and supposably hopped a fence and got the lead singer of New Found Glory's autograph. On her shoe. ~_~;;;; She also moshed but lost her camera when Sum 41 came out. I am still laughing at her. I told her to bring the dirty, signed shoe tomorrow but she said she hung it on her wall and refuses to take it down...
Oh yeah, Chris quit his job Friday. Said his boss was on another power trip and was giving him more shit. Sucks for his boss cause' he lost two workers in one day. =P
Ahhh, transfered my fish into thier nice, new ten gallon tank Friday. The albino keeps giving me the fires of hell eyes. O-o Pleco pleco is just plain nucking futz.
This year my exam schedule is as follows:
18 - History
19 - Trig & Physics
20 - English & Band
21 - Aerobics & Spanish
An exam in aerobics and band. Why? Pointles I say!
Heh heh, I did pretty well on my History test Friday. I was one of the only few that got the 2nd essay right. "Why were the Republicans against the Alien & Sedition Acts?" Because they believed in a strict interpretation of the Consitution you ninnys! Both those acts violated Amendment 1! AMENDMENT ONE!! *ahem*
Homework runs amuck and I must complete it. Plus I wanna say hi to the neko before I sleep.
Too bad I have three tests tomorrow..
Third day in the row I might add also. I mean, this is his week off and all, but it doesn't even take more than 10 minutes to come pick me up from the bus stop. Is that much to ask. I bet that BITCH
Cathy was the root. Fucking whore probably 'accidentally' suggests to watch a video around 2:30....
I hate that bitch. Fucking bitch. Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch!! Arrggg!!! I can't stand her!!! She tries to be the surrogate parent but FAILS MISERABLY!! HEY CATHY, YOU'RE A FAT STUPID BITCH!! I HATE YOU FUCKING GUTS!!!! I CAN'T STAND TO BREATHE THE SAME AIR AS YOU!! STUPID BITCH!!! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!! YOU'RE A DAMN UGLY ROUND WHORE AND DID I MENTION, A BITCH
!!!!!!
*ahem* Whoops, that slipped out. I would never type this up on bloggie alpha cause' someone I know would read it...
*giggles*
Being forgotten.
Sure, I've been forgotten on occasion, but lately, it has been getting worse. Forgeting to pick me up here, forgeting to wake me up, but recently, it has been incessant.
It's childish, selfish and very petty, but my dad has been doing most of the forgeting. He doesn't think much of it, but I am a very, very sensitive person and if things upset me, I never show it. Why? I don't know. I'm human and I'm bound to err here and there.
I feel terrible.
Or should I say, earlier this morning?
I woke up in a rather sour mood, possibly due to the fact of the lack of sleep, the depression from the previous hours stilled lurked or I just was severely angry. I don't know why. I just was.
But as the day dragged on, things got a little bit better. First hour was its normal, mundane, boring trig self. English was a bore as well and aerobics was narf too.
It was really painful trying to do anything with my right leg today in that class and just my luck, we were doing conditioning. ~_~ Man, those leg lifts killed me. I don't know what I did to my leg; it was fine the day before, but I woke up and it was killing me. After my nap, it felt a lot better. Yey!
Physics was well...physics. Had a test in it, though I'm not sure of how well I did. The rest of the class, around 10 or fifteen minutes, we got to work on the book equations, though I never got to finish. Had to help Stephanie with the old stuff and that was just frustrating! ^^;;;
Oh! Even said hi to Helga today. How odd; we haven't spoken in quite sometime.
It amazes me how much people change when they're with different people. One minute they're all friendly and nice but the second someone else that they, or you, know steps up, their attitude remains either the same or suddenly in comes Mr. Condescending. ~_~;;; Please note that I am the same way, though I try not to be. See earlier post as to my contorting ways.
Lunch was fun, in a way. Sarah and I did our normal glares and other goofy oddness when for no reason at all, I said "Galileo!" Then Sarah (a different one) started singing the Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen! XD Both Sarahs started singing and I was all whee!!! XD Sarah (2) said that it was by The Queen (Sarah 1 corrected her) and she said that the song was the Burhema Rhapsody (I don't remember the exact words, we laughed like mad men) Then Sarah1 and I started laughing, picturing the queen of England singing that song. Gaa..aa...ll..l.ii..le..oo!!! XD
Spanish - boring, though I did chit chat with Amber, a person whom I never really acquainted myself with...she's pretty cool! Amazing, the people you meet everyday.
On the way to history, I caught a nasty whiff at the end of building one. Someone either a. vomited like a mad man or b. sprayed fart spray. I nearly died. ~_~;;
History was boring also. (My such boring days I have!) Though we did have a 19 year old club owning sub! ^-^ He wasn't too bad, just a little aloof. But nice. Nice. ^-^ Kevin said that all the girls were probably going to start saying "Oh look at the sub! He's so cute!" But Courtney overheard him say this and he gave him the blank-o stare! XD XD Freaking Amber was flirting with him. Or should I say, try to flirt with him. Pathetic some people are yes. Lol
Onward home! Dad forgot to pick me up....~_~;;;
Did my history homework! Yey!!! Need to do trig and English, but I'll write that paper tomorrow. I'll probably do my trig in a bit.
Agg!!! Buffy was great! Heeheee, I hope she gets with Spike for real. Not the little sex-filled liaisons! ^-^ Willow has problems and there was no preview for next week! I hope it's a new episode...I shall be very distraught if it isn't... ~_~
Oh! Shannon put Easy Cheese on the bus seat and we think Matt got the big glob on him somewhere!!! XD XD
I'm having trouble getting into The Talisman (King & Straub) I know they're just setting up the initial storyline, but man, it seems very bland to me. ~_~ I'll keep reading though...it shall...not it will get better!
Should go do my homework so I take my leave!
Ears: Johnny Bravo - Funny show! XD
It's not because I'm an insomniac. Oh no, quite the contrary actually. I am well...a somniac. What can I say, I do truly enjoy sleep, though most of it tends to take forms of afterschool naps instead of going to bed at a 'reasonable' hour like the rest of the populous.
So here I am, second night in a row, at an odd hour of the morning typing away at my keyboard. Normally, I would read or draw, but I left the computer on to download so I thought it would be better if I occupied myself with some late night writting.
I must say one thing though. Not even ten minutes ago, I found myself curled up crying my eyes out. It is a sad thing to admit, though those that know me rather well...actually there's only about one or two people that know me well enough to know that I am, despite my appearance, weak.
I actually pay attention and do care about other human's views of myself, shallow thing yet undenialbly true of myself. I bend and contort myself to match others 'ideal' person to get them to like me. Let me rephrase that. To not hate me.
It shocks me to even fathom having such hate and despise for a person. For anything actually. To actually hate person enough to go out of your way to mak their lives a living hell is beyond me.
Actually, the crying stemmed from an incident sometime ago in Physics.
I staked out my own table for myself on the first day of school and a guy I knew shared it with me for quite sometime. The weeks passed by and another guy eventually sauntered over to our table to sit there since there were no other available seats left. Didn't bother me. I could tolerate the two and I didn't, don't, speak to them that much.
Getting to the point, after a few weeks sitting at our table, the newcomer got into some squabble with another person at a neighboring table. He was trying to persuade the other one to leave his table so that he could sit there instead of at ours. That wasn't too bad though. More room for me was the first thought that ran through my mind.
But no. They couldn't leave it.
The one from the neighboring table, by the name of the ever so stupid asshead, Richard, claimed that it would just be ever so damaging to his 'image' if he sat at our table with 'us'. Or should I say 'them' to keep it more third person because heaven forbid that he addresses us directly.
It gets even worse.
The other one, whom I still tolerate more, by the mundane name of John, simply added, "How the hell do you think I feel?"
That struck a nerve. Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, it stuck a nerve. It took so much effort to repress some sort of condescending and belittling comment. But I kept my mouth shut and kept my silence, only fueling them both with a sort of evil glare. The kind you give someone when you hope they die slow, painful and agonizing deaths right before your very eyes.
But it all just hit me tonight.
Despite my efforts to come off as a nice, easygoing individual, I am still frowned upon. To some, something as trivial as this doesn't matter. But for some unknown reason, it gets to me and I don't know why. I wish I could just purge myself of such idiotic feelings but I can't. And I don't believe that I ever will.
It pains me to write about this, since I am at the brink of tears as I type this, my heart is being clamped in a cold, ungiving vice, but this is just for the records.
I need to go. No use babbling non-sensical nonsense. I should go curl up again and try to grab a few winks of sleep.
I can start posting here regularly! =D
But I do have another bloggie so it will be somewhat of a double post but knowing my self so little, I'll probably write about different things in each.
Entries here will probably be more personal, like a day to day journal, keeping up with the boring whatnots in my life, personal feelings, etc.
Bloggie Alpha (lol) will be more entertaining things to appeal to my guest readers. ^^ Speaking of, I may make my rounds to the selected few.
Bah, I really like the Yamato picture up there! I plan on using it for my yaoi scans page when I actually get that project off of the ground.
Hmmm....brain' kinda dead right now so I shall return later.